Notes from the Edge

Posted by Dell 01-20-2024

Okay, today I wanted to talk about a very sensitive subject, fat. Being a
fat guy myself I completely understand the problems that fat men
face. So today I have some tips that I hope will help you as much as
they have helped me. As usual I would like to handle what I have to
say with sensitivity and empathy, but we all know I probably won’t.
Just please don’t write and tell me I am mean to fat people, I am
one, so the rule I am one so I
can say whatever the hell I want to be is in effect.

First thing: The biggest problem we have is eating those extra things that
we just shouldn’t eat. Passing by the toaster before bed when it is
whispering things like “Real Butter” or “You can make toasted
cheese like sandwiches in the toaster! No, really. Toast the bread,
throw the cheese on it and then nuke it in the microwave.” or even
“The wife hid the doughnuts behind the coffee maker!” Or maybe
opening the refrigerator door to get that diet coke you waited all
day for and seeing that there is a half of pizza left over from the
pool party the kids had. And you can smell the sausage… The
peperoni… And it is so hard to resist it. Well, there are
alternatives. My first alternative I like to call To Hell with it.

To Hell with it is a novel approach to dieting. It assumes that no
matter what you do you will get fat anyway so why not just say To
Hell with it? I mean, after all, did you really think that cute chick
that you see every morning at the Stop and Gas really digs you? Or
would if you could lose three hundred pounds? No. Stop fooling
yourself. She is probably barely holding on to that job as she spends
her nights being a crack whore. Barely getting those cravings into
check in time to make it to the store so she can sell your fat ass a
box of doughnuts every morning. No. Give up the dream. She will never
notice you and if she did, it would probably be one of those drying
out stages where she realizes she hasn’t eaten in the last three
weeks and starts to wonder if maybe you might not taste good with a
little salt and a pinch of garlic powder.

So, now that you have set your sites a little lower, lets adjust our
attitude and learn to live with the fat instead of fighting it all of
the time. There are tons of very good-looking women that are, shall
we say, not skinny? Yes. We’ll say that, because I don’t see where it
would benefit us to have a bunch of fat women writing to us to
complain about our insensitivity to their situation, when actually we
are very sensitive to it. So, open your eyes, unless the lids are too
fat, then you can use tape to keep them up. In any case, get them
open and look around you. The world is full of opportunities for you
just the way they are.

The second option is to actually buckle under and diet. I don’t like this
option at all. This option leaves no other options and I find that
completely unreasonable. I mean, how can there be no options? This
isn’t Russia, is it? I’m not a man living in the mountains who has
just come of age and was promised at birth to my cousin Edwina, am I?
No. So, there must be options. And choosing between a sensible salad
and a carrot stick … WHOO WHO! … Is not an option. Choosing
between a lettuce sandwich and a Quarter Pound burger, now that’s an
option. So really the option part comes before this, diet or no diet
and we have already made that decision so to hell with spending time
on this.

So, no diet it is and full steam ahead with no diet. After all fat is
stored energy, that’s all it is. Do skinny people make good lovers?
We’ll never know because they run out of energy too fast. No stores of fat to tap into!
And, if the Zombie Apocalypse happens tomorrow? Skinny folks are
screwed. They will already be half starved, low on energy, meanwhile
us fat guys will be like, … “Hey, get the hell out of my way!
It’s dinner time you $%%## A$%%$# What the $$%$## did you think you
were doing trying to %$%$## eat me? … Zombies or skinny people
we’ll just knock them all right out of the way. And truthfully, in
the end? I think the zombies will be screwed too. When a fat man gets
hungry, he’s hungry. If it’s between me and a zombie I’m winning.
Simple as that. I will learn how to make me some Zombie Burgers with
fries. So, we live with our fatness, and we adapt.

Say you went out on a date with a skinny woman, and she doesn’t want you
the way you are? Her loss. Leaves all that much more for you to eat.
Really. Order a second desert. Laugh loud at the movie. Eat all the
popcorn. Who cares. Make jokes, though to put her at ease. A good one
I like to use is, “You know if ass sold by the pound you’d be
broke!” This will make her feel more at ease with her skinniness.
She will realize that you see her for just what she is. Not a piece
of meat. Not an object. Just a woman that does not belong in your
world. And don’t be a dick. Offer to pay for both of you. After all,
how much could she have eaten?

Another problem is clothing. For the fat man it isn’t all that easy to get
dressed in the morning. Well, you’ll be glad to know I have solved
that problem too. You actually have a few options. My option of first
choice is the sweatpants option. Sweatpants are great. Stretchy band.
Hey, they’re sweatpants so it does count toward a workout. And unlike
the old days, manufacturers are aware that we wear these for everyday
clothes, so they come in all sorts of styles now. Striped, piping down
the legs. Matching tops, Hell even matching footwear! You can look
damn smart in these clothes, attend a local luncheon, shop at your
local Walmart. Do some Mall walking: What else do you need to do? And best of all, they are
like an expensive hotel, big ball room.

But for those days where you do need a second option, I would like to
recommend the stretchy jean. These are great. They look like jeans,
but they will stretch right across that XXX ass like they were
painted on. No really. I’ve seen them. They do look painted on.

And for those of you who are a little less adventurous? Coveralls. These
things are great too. Just throw on a T-Shirt and a pair of boxers
and then slip inside the coverall. They come in all sizes, so fit is
not a problem. Feeling a little wild? Go commando! Who’ll know? Tug
that zipper up and you’re finished. Set for the day. They have plenty
of pockets. They give you the appearance of actually working, so no
more heckling from your girlfriends’ parents … “Get a job you fat
bastard!” And they come in an array of stylish fashions and fabric
finishes. What I like about them is that they make a great throw
cover for the couch to keep that pesky cat hair off it when I’m not
wearing them…

Solving Common Problems: Bending over to tie your shoes in the morning.

Now this is a tough deal. The problem is that you have become so fat that
you cannot bend over to tie your shoes with either crapping your
pants or running out of breath and passing out. The problem is that
there is simply too much fat crammed into a very small space, IE:
your rib cage and your lap. So, when you try to bend over that fat
just crushes up against your lungs and you can’t breathe. Or it
presses right down on your lower intestines and, well, we know the
deal there don’t we.

Fortunately, there is a solution for this that works every time without crapping
your pants or passing out from loss of air and tumbling forward onto
the floor where you are at the mercy of your pets, who could think
that this is the end and eat you. Sure, laugh, but many fat people
have been eaten by their trusted pets once they became incapacitated.

Okay. This is a three-part exercise designed to help you with this problem.
I myself practice this method every morning and have had excellent
results both with tying my shoes (Or slipping the shoe on if you have
given up on laces as most of us have. For this demonstration we will
use the lace method of putting on the shoes.)

Okay, first, firmly grasp your left thigh and push it over to the left, and
then repeat this same exercise on the right side. What you should
have now is your belly, unsupported by your lap, swinging free and
threatening to crush your man parts. No worries. Arch your back and
lean back as far as you can on your comfortable couch. This should
allow you to reach the waist band of your trousers. Firmly grasp the
button or clasp and wrench it free. This may be difficult to do as it
may have retreated into the flab of your belly, but a bit of
searching should turn it up. Now be aware that as you release this
dam of flesh there may be some rolling and excessive movement. You
will have to ride that out. When it has ceased movement, you will find
that you now have a much greater range of forward movement, and you
should be able to easily bend and tie your shoes with no further
problems.

Caution: Upon completion do not attempt to refasten your trousers while in
the sitting position. Now that you have tied your shoes, simply stand
and then safely re-clasp the button or clasp on your trouser tops. At
this time if you have a belt that you have removed, it would be safe
to once again attach it. Always check to make sure you have not
damaged your man parts at this time, and of course be careful that
there are no small pets or children around that could be injured by
the length of the belt swinging freely as you reinsert it through the
loops of your trousers.

Hailing a Cab: Cab companies have phone numbers. They have them for a
reason so that you can call them and ask them to come and get you
wherever you are at. This is great, because if you try hailing a cab
the driver will pretend, he or she didn’t see you, like that’s
possible. And you will not be able to chase them because you are
lucky you got up, got your trousers on and out to the street and
still had breath left. You will never catch that cab and that cab
driver will go have lunch with his friend and laugh about how the fat
guy couldn’t catch him or her. Bastards! So, call. This way there is not
a damn thing the cab driver can do. When they ask for their tip? Tell
them to get an Allstate agent.

Okay. I hope that I have helped some of my fellow fat men in the world. I
would just add that women are attracted to fat men. No really. I’m a
writer, it’s my job to know these things. So don’t worry about
whether women find you attractive or if it is only your
dog/cat/hamster. I mean, does a dog hump the leg of someone they
don’t like? No.

Okay. That is me for this week. I hope you are all doing well. I will be
back next weekend…

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the world. No government, police, military. The world is on its own
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Check out https://www.writerz.net 

Have
a great week and I’ll be back next weekend…

https://www.writerz.net